


here i am, pry me open

by lostin_space



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 13:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19464583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: 4x06 codaDeran finally cracks





	here i am, pry me open

**Author's Note:**

> this has been in my head for a few days, but I wanted to wait until the new episode dropped. glad I did.

“I’m gonna go legit one day.”

Adrian looked over at Deran. He’d been acting a little weird since the night before and not just because of how heavy he managed to make the words ’ _I love you’_ feel. Something was off. He’d stayed in bed all day, buried in a cocoon of blankets. It was unsettling to say the least.

“Oh yeah?” Adrian asked. He wanted to get him talking. How ironic was that?

“Yeah. I want… I want a real future. I’ve never realized how much I want a real future until I got you for real. I’d do a lot to keep you,” Deran admitted. He wasn’t looking at him, instead favoring the ceiling, but it still made Adrian feel like the bed dropped from beneath him. “I want you forever, Adrian. I want to make a life with you. To wake up beside you every morning, to have stupid joint bank accounts and even stupider matching rings, to be, like, the world’s most questionable soccer mom.”

“You want kids?” Adrian squeaked. He didn’t mean to, but it came anyway. Deran wanted kids. With him. All he was doing was lying to him and scaring him. Deran thought he was cheating for god’s sake. And Adrian might be the reason he goes down for good if he makes one wrong move. How’s that for love and a life together? “I didn’t think you wanted that.”

“I do. If that’s okay with you,” Deran admitted, shifting to turn to face him. His words were wistful and sweet, yet the look on his face was anything but. Adrian wasn’t even sure he was here. “A big family is all I’ve ever known. I don’t know if they’d let us adopt because of my record. But you don’t have that big of one, not really, so maybe? Or maybe we’ll have to do, like, surrogacy or something.”

Tears burned in Adrian’s eyes as he stared at this man he loved. This man who loved him. Deran, the guy who pushed away all sense of feelings for fear of being weak, was just here and opening up completely. In twenty-four hours, Adrian had been blessed with an ‘I love you’ and the need for a life together and the dreams of a full-fledged family that Deran wanted.

“Wh-what about Smurf?”

“What _about_ Smurf? That’s why I wanna go legit. I don’t want any tie to her, definitely don’t want my kids to have any ties to her. J wasn’t like that when he first came, that was all her doing,” Deran said. Adrian gulped, wiping his eyes and hoping Deran didn’t ask. He didn’t. “Our kids are gonna have a good life.”

Adrian didn’t deserve him or this. He was a fucking liar.

Deran sighed, “Aren’t they?”

“Huh?” Adrian blinked rapidly, the feeling of his throat closing up somehow bringing him less panic than the deadness on Deran’s face.

“Our kids. Are they gonna have a good life?” he asked, “Because I grew up with a mother who lied to me and manipulated me and my brothers did the same. I grew up surrounded by people who I couldn’t trust, but I _had_ to if I wanted to survive. I grew up scared and walking on eggshells and having to create some fucking barrier around myself so I wouldn’t get hurt. And then I met you. And I trust you and I love you and I’m not scared when I’m with you. I wasn't… wasn’t scared when I was with you.”

“D, c'mon, what’s wrong?” Adrian said, steadying his voice in the best way he could. He was being stabbed over and over and over by some invisible force that was directly tied to Deran’s words and his tone and his face. Fuck. Something was wrong.

“I can't… I can’t understand you. You’re lying to me and lying to me and all I need is for you to tell me the truth. I find the one person in the world who I trust completely not to fuck me over and, and, and you _fuck me over._ Why are you doing this to me?”

Adrian could count the number of times he’d seen Deran cry on one hand. The first time was when they were 7 years old and he wiped out on his bike, but he tried to act tough through the sniffles when Adrian put bandaids on his knees and elbows. The second time was when Deran had come to ask him to come to Belize, but they were more frantic tears than anything. The third was when Adrian finally got the balls to reject his tough guy bullshit. This time, though? This was Deran actually crying.

Fat tears slipped past his eyes and onto the blanket he’d wrapped himself in, his blue eyes getting bluer against the bloodshot red. His bottom lip was quivering and he looked absolutely completely broken. And it was Adrian’s fault.

“Deran, Deran, c'mon, I’m not‒”

“Are you actually about to lie to me again? Are you fucking kidding me?” Deran laughed harshly, moving away when Adrian tried to wipe away his tears. What was he supposed to do now? "I-I can’t _believe you_. Who are you? I thought… I thought you gave a shit about me, about us. You aren’t fucking Adrian, you’re not my Adrian. My Adrian wouldn’t lie. Not when he knew what the fuck it was doing to me.“

Adrian watched helplessly as Deran unraveled himself from the blanket and stood to his feet. He looked weak. Adrian bit his lip, wiping his eyes as he tried to piece together what to say. He couldn’t say he’d been talking to the cops, he couldn’t. That was a quick way to get thrown out and murdered. But he couldn’t seem to find a lie that worked anymore. Deran knew too much apparently. Enough to be suspicious, enough to be hurt.

"Deran… I don’t know what you want me to say. I-I’m not deliberately trying to hurt you,” Adrian tried. He thought about getting up and going to console the man who was standing in the doorway of the bathroom. His hands were in his hair, pulling at it as he cried openly. That hurt so fucking much.

“I never thought I’d feel this way about you, I-I never thought…”

“I love you too, Deran, you know I do,” Adrian tried. Except Deran’s head fell back and he let out another cold laugh.

“No, I’m _scared_ of you. I am absolutely terrified of you. And I can’t do anything about it because clearly, you’re never going to tell me the truth, but I love you too much to do anything about it. I will kill myself protecting you and you… you don’t care. You don’t care. You don’t care.”

Adrian watched as Deran stepped completely into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He didn’t know how long he was going to stay in there, but he decided not to push it. He didn’t know what to say to that. There was nothing to say to that. Because Deran was right.

Adrian was scared of himself too.

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
